Small Talk (Warning: Awkward Ahead)

Setting: College cafeteria, lunch hour, daylight pervades the room. Brain dead students scattered around tables.

Players: Two college students, not previously acquainted with each other.

Ready… and… ACTION!

Socially Adjusted Person #1: [Takes the open seat opposite stranger] Hi, I’m Socially Adjust Person #1.

Socially Adjusted Person #2: Hey, I’m Socially Adjusted Person #2. Nice to meet you. [Extends warm, friendly hand]

SAP #1: [Takes hand] Nice to meet you, too. So, what are you majoring in?

SAP #2: Political science. You?

SAP #1: Awesome. I’m majoring in underwater basket weaving.

SAP #2: [OMG face] Whoa, there’s a major for that?

SAP #1: Yep. And it’s totes amazing.

SAP #2: It sounds like something a writer would make up in an effort to be funny.

[We’re straying from the point]

SAP #1: Hey, let’s hang out sometime. I know this really cool italian restaurant served by dangerous convicts.

SAP #2: Sure! That sounds great! See you later, new friend!

End scene.

What just took place? Based on extensive research conducted with large social samples compiled over the course of 18 years, my sources inform me that this is what is called “Casual Small Talk” or CST, as I like to call it. [No, English Prof, this is not a run-on sentence.]

Although I have observed CST for a considerable time, studied its nuances, and recorded its rhythms and patterns, the phenomenon still baffles me. What allows a human being to possess the incredible ability of CST? Is it genetic? Is it random? Is it caused by bites from mutated spiders? The research is ongoing.

As a member of Homo Sapiens Awkardiensis (HSA), I seem to lack the social component that allows me to interact like CST-carriers. The ease in which they engage in conversation with complete strangers is quite extraordinary. How do random topics come to them? How are they capable of voicing these random topics without difficulty? Have they no fear of rejection? Have they no fear of the “awkward pause” phenomenon?

Homo Sapiens Awkardiensis is void of the CST gene or whatever causes the development of CST. When faced with social interaction, particularly with strangers, HSA tend to exhibit one or a combination of these traits:

  • Involuntary freezing
  • Speech impedments (stuttering, sober slurring)
  • Extreme volume levels (mousiness VS obnoxiousness)
  • Hyperventilating
  • Blank mind (can’t think of anything to say)
  • Lack of excitement/general reaction (mistaken for disinterest, actually signifies timidity)

And these are only a handful of attributes of the HSA in action (or inaction).

Has interesting and insightful conversations with friends... in head

Even penguins are socially awkward

In college, the HSA is at its weakest. We are forced into entirely new environments in which we know absolutely no one. With minimal knowledge of our surroundings and of what to expect, we are Doomed. You see? I just capitalized “doom.” You know shiz is serious when it’s unnecessarily capitalized.

However, no guts, no glory.

Immanuel Kant wrote “Enlightenment is man’s leaving his self-caused immaturity.” Similarly, socializing is man’s leaving his self-caused seclusion. To survive, to thrive, humans must adapt. We must be able to at least pretend to be capable of keeping up with the daunting evolution of social interaction. Introduce yourself. Smile. Read HowStuffWorks and Cracked for interesting topics to randomly talk about.

The previous paragraph is an example of hypocrisy at its finest.

What do you think of small talk? Love it? Hate it? Share your socially awkward moments (college or otherwise) in the comments.

Read some more about social awkwardness:

How to NOT be socially awkward

Awkwardness

Embrace Your Awkardness

Team Awksome

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12 thoughts on “Small Talk (Warning: Awkward Ahead)

  1. Pingback: Going to the Movies Solo (No, I’m Not a Loner) | Stressing Out College

  2. Would it be awkward if I stopped in the middle of my

    Guess so. But seriously, teens aren’t the greatest at avoiding awkwardness. Just look to Justin Bieber if you need proof.

  3. Small talk=the bane of my existence. I’m terrible at it (although like the awkward penguin, I’m better in my head.)

    Also… whenever people ask me the “what’s your major” question, I reply with “math.” And then, all conversation stops. Forever.
    This is both good and bad. Good: small talk is over! Bad: I haz no friendz.

    I’ll be following your blog, it’s funny and relatable. Keep it up stressingoutstudent! Prove the world that nerds can be universally funny (despite being socially awkward).

  4. Purely choose to point out your write-up will be as a revelation. A lucidity in your own submit is only wonderful along with we can expect you will be an expert during this issue. Wonderful in your choice well then, i’ll to seize ones own Feed to keep up at this point with future submit. Many thanks any zillion plus please persist your satisfying work.

  5. Very interesting take on small talk. As for me, I find small talk to be useless. It gets you nowhere, but it is also necessary if you are trying to get to know people and make friends…. Unfortunately, I am a sufferer of HSA and the only cure I have found it trying to push out the boundaries and try to make yourself comfortable with those surroundings. It’s not easy, but I have faith that you’ll be able to combat it and eventually hold it at bay. 🙂

    Good luck from one college student to another!

  6. My entire life is a collection of socially awkward moments.
    Too long to list, and too embarrassing to share.

    Loved this post, by the way. (:

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