Writing a eulogy can be fun. Especially when no one actually died. In honor of dead week, here is a eulogy/goodbye letter to our oft sacrificed friend Sleep.
(b. 1990’s; d. Whenever I started doing all-nighters)
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.” – Oscar Wilde
Here we are, my friend, my love, my bedtop companion. Here we are. Who could have known it would end like this for you, my dear friend? I certainly hadn’t expected it. And I’m sure you hadn’t seen it coming either. I mean, who dies by ballpoint pen? I don’t remember what I was doing with that pen in my hand – Physics? Macbeth essay? Who frickin’ cares what it was. The important point was that the pen was in my hand and I had no idea what I was doing. I’m sure you would remember if you were here right now. You always had such an amazing memory, albeit a very strange and imaginative way of relaying it. I remember one time being deep in you and having you show me some really crazy sh*t. But you always knew what I liked. (Mmm, Hugh Laurie).
Sleep, you’ve been with me my whole life and I’ve felt privileged to have been a part of yours. I’m sorry for murdering you, buddy. No hard feelings, right? Well, of course no hard feelings because you’re dead. But I know you wouldn’t take it badly if you were still here with us. Academics and having a life needed to come first and you weren’t willing to off yourself. Always such a sensitive and tender one you were. You never wanted me to get out of bed with you. You were always there for me during all those boring lectures. You held me tightly under the covers during the weekends – ever the persuasive sweet talker.
But you know, you were kind of an ass, too. Yeah, this is supposed to be a sweet parting letter with lovey dovey sentiments and all, but you’re dead now, so what are you going to do about it? Nothing? That’s what I thought. What the hell was up with the coyness and screwing with me? You often toyed with me, slipping me in and out, and then holding me at arm’s length so that when I needed you most all you did was smile at me and never let me fall into you. You know I needed you that night before that calculus exam. As well as that night before that twilight flight. And the night before my first day of college! You knew how important all those were to me and then like some jealous mofo you abandoned me for God only knows where. So you see that beautiful quote by the ever-luscious Oscar Wilde? Well, that ain’t what’s waiting for you. I hope you spend the rest of your non-existence in a series of appearing-in-public-naked nightmares, you sadistic, soporific bastard. Dead week and finals are going to be a helluva blast without you. Good riddance, ’cause I’m not gonna’ need you for Spring Break either. Suck it.
To all those about to take exams at the expense of their sleep, I bid you a tearful good luck!