The Adventures of the Five Page Paper (or Damn It, I’ve Lost the Thesis)

All right, five pages. Five pages due tonight. That’s not bad. That’s freshman high school English stuff. Easy peazy, lemon squeezy. Last paper for this ethics class. Last. Paper. Then you’re home free (after two more exams, but not gonna’ think about that right now). Ok, here we go.

Assigment: Your goal is to identify the text’s central claims, the author’s major arguments that support these claims, and the evidence that supports these arguments. Think carefully about the purposes of the text and about the context and background knowledge that it presupposes.

Yeah, this shouldn’t be too hard. Easy text. Pretty obvious claims. Of course licensing parents is a no-no. There are so many moral violations – this is going to be a piece of cake to write about. Ok, here we go.

[Times New Roman, 12 pt font]

[Format name, class, prof name, date]

[Right click -> Paragraph -> Double-space]

Cracking my knuckles. Ok, here we go.

Oh a text message. Hahaha, gotta reply to this… “LOL yeah. Ron Swanson’s teh best :-)”

Ok, here we go.

“In this essay, I will analyze the claims of the paper.”

Hm, skip the intro. Save the intro for last. Screw writing an outline; I’m just going to go straight into the body (that’s what she said…?) All right, identify the claims, identify the claims… La-di-da-dah…  Facebook… Oh, George Takei (or George Takei’s Facebook mod), you cheeky funny bastard. Pandora… Johnny Cash station. Yeah, Johnny’s my home boy. Ok, here we go.

“In support of his assertion that parent licensing programs are necessary to protect children, LaFollete cites studies and researched statistics as well as referring to self-made observations.”

Whew, that’s an amazing sentence. Time to reward myself with a few Cracked.com articles.

After several quick fixes

… What am I writing about again?

Scan through prompt with half-shut eyes and half-open mouth.

Ok, I got this, I got this. Claims, analyze, identify…

Two hours of YouTube, a sandwich, and two and a half paragraphs later…

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

KILL ME NOW.

Good luck to all fellow students on exams! What’s your essay-writing process? Got any procrastination tips? (And by “procrastination tips” I mean “ways to put off doing my essay for even longer.”)

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15 thoughts on “The Adventures of the Five Page Paper (or Damn It, I’ve Lost the Thesis)

  1. Pingback: The 5 Stages of Essay Writing [Finals Week Edition] | The Lonely Tribalist

  2. Pingback: Final Examinations: The Intermissionary Position | Stressing Out College

  3. Good thing I’m past all this >.< I remember my thesis. It had something to do about media structuring and gender roles. I did it in 8 days thanks to an endless supply of Mountain Dew + Red Bull! 🙂 As for procrastinating tips…boot up a good old fashioned FPS and fire away. 😉

  4. This sounds creepily familiar. I tend to open a youtube video, leave it to buffer, write a sentence and then reward myself by watching the video. Then repeat. Obviously, it does not work well…
    Anyway, excuse me, I have a minimum 3000-word Shakespeare paper to go “write”.

  5. This 21 Day of Bond thing G4 is doing this month has really been helping me out here. “Well, I may have to read an entire novel for tomorrow and write a bunch of responses on it, but… the DVR is full. If I don’t watch one of these Bond flicks tonight, they’re going to start getting overwritten! Aaand while I’m at it, I might as well watch another one afterward. I mean, what if I’m even busier tomorrow!”

  6. Its been over 27yrs since I’ve been in college but those procrastinating tips are valid for avoiding work at work (do it via cell) or do laundry and chores at home. Play some Walking Dead then go at it. Good luck.

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