The Purge, or How I Stopped Murdering and Loved Civilization [Warning: Caps Lock Abuse Ahead]

Hi folks, it’s been a while. Let’s watch this trailer together:

[I’ll give you a moment to let that soak in, think about it, take a bathroom break…]

Back? All settled in with your tea/soda/lager/drink-of-choice? Good. Let’s begin.

JESUS W. CHRIST. IF I HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE HUMANITY IS, I’M GOING TO- I’M GOING TO- sit at my computer and tell the handful of you who read this blog how wrong it is.

Truly though, it is annoying seeing depictions and hearing accounts of how ugly and evil human nature is. AND DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME IT’S TRUE. (Not until after I’ve stated my case, of course. Feel free to tell me what you think in the comments all you like.) The mere concept of “evil” is ridiculous. It’s man-made. There is no such thing as “good” and “evil.” These are concepts people long, long, long, long ago came up with to try to make sense of things that happen, to try to justify further actions. And at the most general, these concepts do help. However, it’s like trying to reinvent the wheel – in this case, the wheel is natural selection.

Natural selection, most simply, is this: whatever works continues.

If people had a natural instinct to just kill each other off, we never would have survived this far. If people had a natural instinct to avoid other people at all costs, to never share food, to go on a murderous rampage everyday, homo sapiens would have become extinct eons ago. We wouldn’t have stood a chance against natural selection.

Which is why portrayals of humanity as bloodthirsty, solely selfish, xenophobic morons grind my rustily churning cogs and gears. And this pessimistic view has existed for a long time. You can look back to Hobbes and the overused “nasty, brutish, and short” idea of our ancestors and even Rousseau, who got it less wrong than Hobbes, but still fell for the view of original man as a loner. WE ARE NOT LONERS. WE ARE SUPER SOCIAL ANIMALS. Everyday is a party for homo sapiens. Even introverts like me need people. We might not want to be around people 24/7, but we need community and a healthy support system just like everyone else.

But it’s the quiet ones you gotta look out for. Do you know why the “quiet ones” crack and do terrible things such as shoot up schools and theaters? Because they are ALONE. In our individualistic, capitalist society, we are all alone. They don’t blow places and people up because it’s in their inner nature to do so; they do it because that is what our society molded them to be. If you have fallen under the impression that humanity is shit because of the existence of suicide bombers, school shooters, and terrorists, it is because you do not realize that THESE ARE THE EXCEPTIONS, NOT THE NORM. The reason why violence is so sensational is because it ISN’T NORMAL. For every person who bombs a marathon, hundreds of people rush in to aid the victims.

Why? Is it because we’re monsters, who would happily kill others if given the chance? HELLS TO THE NO.

It’s because we are social, compassionate animals, who – like all other generally successful animals – want to keep our species alive, even if we are not conscious of it. Sometimes this is hard to see. Sometimes it is hard to sift through the bullshit that the media and the powers-that-be play before our eyes and shove down our throats. They want you to think that without corporations and stricter government, we’d all be evil animals that would turn on one another in a heart beat. [The only thing preventing people from killing and stealing are laws, of course!] They want you to forget that it’s because they control the food supply, the security, and the wealth that we sometimes resort to acts of desperation to be released from our suffocation. It is hard to see what humans are like in nature because we have fought so hard to be distinct from nature. The narrative we are fed is the one where humans are not at the top of the food chain, but that we are transcendent of it (or some such nonsense). This is where the conflict and dissonance arise from.

We are animals. We are not murderous. We are not evil. We are simply animals. And all we want is to continue living, satisfied and fulfilled.

In summation, at the time of my writing this, the movie The Purge hasn’t been released, so I haven’t seen it. Maybe the message of the movie really is that humanity isn’t so bad. Who knows? I don’t know, but if you see the movie I’d actually like to hear what you think of it. The trailer just triggered that whole response up there, but we all know that trailers can be terribly misleading. Thank you for reading this far and I promise I will return to the lighter stressful college stuff soon.

Agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear what you think, even if you disagree – especially if you disagree – because I really want to explore this issue in depth. 

In related thingymajigs:

Advertisements

I Regretfully Regret: Cramming for Physics

Wait, wait, I know this isn’t all that original. “A college student procrastinating on important college work? Oh me, oh my.” But hold on and just read the damn post. Humor me.

Indeed, “Procrastination” is my middle name – a middle name I’m sure I share with plenty of you, college students or otherwise.

As you may remember, I recently started a new post series called “I Regretfully Regret” – which was supposed to be weekly, but cut me some slack. I’m a lazy college student, remember? This week, my Regretful Regret is cramming for a physics midterm and here is why:

  1. Physics is damn tough.
  2. What the hell is Bernoulli’s equation again?
  3. When did my handwriting get so bad?
  4. Crap, I can’t figure out half of what I wrote down for notes
  5. Is that a “t” or a “w”?
  6. Calculator… battery dead? Nooooooooo… Must scramble through a dozen and two drawers to find batteries.
  7. 1:43 a.m. – if I finish in half an hour, I’ll still get approximately 5 hours and 47 minutes of sleep
  8. 2 hour session of alternating among studying, YouTubing, and crying
  9. 4:12 a.m. – can still get 3 hours and something something minutes of sleep [oh no, my math skills have died]
  10. Inject emergency caffeine supply into arm. Head to class.

Stay in school, kids, and practice healthy study habits.

Yeah, right.

What is a recent Regretful Regret you have? If you’re a student, do you have any school-related regrets to share? (Don’t lie – we know you have plenty). Share them in the comments!

How To Get Disowned on Mother’s Day

Oh what a beautiful morning. The birds are a-singin’ and the sun is a-shinin’. It’s Sunday, the second Sunday of May, which means I’ve got no work or school and can spend the rest of the day in my jammies watching Downton-

Sonofabitch.

You’ve been there. Nobody’s so perfect that they remember all the “important” non-holidays (unless you’re Leslie Knope). And if you’ve forgotten about Mother’s Day [again], you’re already on yo momma’s naughty list, so here’s how to prepare to soften the inevitable shit storm. (And if your mother’s like my mother, it’ll be one of them passive-aggressive shit storms. Oh boy.)

Mother's Day funny eCard

…Right?

Step 1. Frantically search for a last minute gift.

If it were Thursday or Friday, the Internet would be your best friend, where you can find something fast and ship it overnight in time for Mother’s Day. But because you’re a forgetful, procrastinating bastard – no judgment – Amazon, Etsy, and eBay are no help to you. This means you’ll need to actually get off your mother-hating ass and go out to buy a gift. Either that or make a gift.

Step 2. Believe that you can make a gift on the spot.

If you happen to be creative and have the resources, go ahead and do your thing. You’ve just saved your sorry hide on this Mother’s Day. However, if you’re not one of them artsy fartsy, creative types, this will not end well. Your mind will scramble through your elementary school memories of arts and crafts time, trying to come up with something to make. Sorry, a construction paper card with a crayon outline of your hand with a face drawn on it ain’t going to cut it this year. How about looking up “Mothers Day Gift Ideas” on Pinterest? Don’t kid yourself. You can’t make any of that crap.

Step 3. Give up on the creativity and go buy something. 

Arts and crafts are for more sophisticated folk. What you need to do now is hit your local market. Ideally, you’ll go to a Tiffany’s or a whatever-has-expensive-crap shop. Most likely, you’ll just go to a Target or a Hallmark store. Hell, you should just settle on a Walgreens. This is your mother we’re talking about. She’ll understand. (No, she won’t.)

Some gift ideas:

  • $25 gift card to Red Lobster
  • A [tall] frappe-mocha-cinno with cream and stuff from Starbucks
  • Hallmark card that comments on how she doesn’t look a day over than 25
  • Bag of beef jerky from 7-Eleven [Original Hickory flavor]
  • Tupperware from Walmart

Step 4. Present your sorry self and even sorrier gift to your progenitor.

Wait for it.

Step 5. Brace yourself. Because you’ll never heard the end of it.

Yep, if you aren’t spun around on your heels and given a forceful foot against your derriere out the door, you’ll just have to take the verbal beatdown that your mother will no doubt give you. For days. If not years. Good luck.

Get your mother something nice, punk:

Have you ever forgotten to do/get something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day? If you’re a freakin’ goodie-two-shoes, what did you do/get for her? Share your stories in the comments!

So, Uh, I Gave in to Fifty Shades of Grey (Insert Sub Joke Here… or Not)

Let us thrust into this post head first-

Wait, that came out wrong.

Sit down and tell me how naughty-

Whoa, what’s happening.

Allow me to ease myself into the supple contours of your mind whilst tracing tantalizing sentences along the creamy arch of your-

Ok, now that you’re fully aroused, let’s talk about Fifty Shades of Grey.

This treasure of English literature has been giving house moms and post-Twilight teens lady erections since 2011 and it’s been covered high and low, parodied, and read aloud by Gilbert Gottfried and George Takei (oh my-y-y-y).  Even with all the rabid hubbub surrounding the series, my personal integrity beat out my curiosity to read the overexposed series – until recently.

I gave in, goddammit. I just had to see what all the hype and commotion was about. Could it really be that bad?

Folks, I’ll say what thousands upon thousands have said before me: WHAT THE FRICK DID I JUST READ?

Now, if you’ve been living under a rock locked in a safe buried at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, let me briefly get you up to speed:

  • The story started out as Twilight fanfiction [Can already tell it’s bad]
  • Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are the two sparkling vampire lovers characters we’re supposed to give a flying fart about [What the hell is up with their names?]
  • The charismatic, Adonis-like sparkling Grey becomes attracted to One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” Steele because E.L. James said so [Look up: Mary Sue]
  • Fifty Shades of Grey has been on The New York Times Best Sellers List for 57 weeks. [Their summary: “An innocent college student falls in love with a tortured man with particular sexual tastes; the first of a trilogy.”] 
  • The Fifty Shades series has been responsible for the death of over a trillion brain cells (and counting) and should not be read before operating heavy machinery, while pregnant, or ever. Ever. [Validity of claims pending verification]

If you want to read detailed reviews of the book, look elsewhere. Google that shit because you’ll find a gazillion of articles and threads about how awful the books are. And, of course, you’ll also find the abysses of crazed fans, who swear by the holy greatness of the series. Proceed with caution.

All right, I have to be honest, I didn’t actually read the whole series. And to be totally honest, I didn’t even finish the first book. Why? Because I have better means of rotting my brain and pummeling my soul to a pulpy heap than reading the rest of that vacuous crap. While Twilight was silly, I actually enjoyed the first book when I was 11-12ish. It was entertaining, as simplistic as it was in its style. Fifty Shades, on the other hand, is not only silly, it’s downright idiotic. Like Twilight, the super hot guy falls for the absolutely ordinary girl who’s supposedly way hotter than she thinks she is. The dialogue is atrocious – what you’d expect out of a cheap porno (not that I’d know what that’s like). The characters have less depth than Flat Stanley and the story- there is no real story. It’s all an excuse to write unrealistic and demeaning sex scenes.

Here’s a guy on YouTube doing several pretty good impressions while reading actual excerpts from Fifty Shades of Grey (Warning: NSFW language):

Still a better love story than Twilight? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve found the exception.

What do you think of the Fifty Shades series? Have you actually read it? (If not – GOOD. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.) 

Read more (Do you dare?):