So, Uh, I Gave in to Fifty Shades of Grey (Insert Sub Joke Here… or Not)

Let us thrust into this post head first-

Wait, that came out wrong.

Sit down and tell me how naughty-

Whoa, what’s happening.

Allow me to ease myself into the supple contours of your mind whilst tracing tantalizing sentences along the creamy arch of your-

Ok, now that you’re fully aroused, let’s talk about Fifty Shades of Grey.

This treasure of English literature has been giving house moms and post-Twilight teens lady erections since 2011 and it’s been covered high and low, parodied, and read aloud by Gilbert Gottfried and George Takei (oh my-y-y-y).  Even with all the rabid hubbub surrounding the series, my personal integrity beat out my curiosity to read the overexposed series – until recently.

I gave in, goddammit. I just had to see what all the hype and commotion was about. Could it really be that bad?

Folks, I’ll say what thousands upon thousands have said before me: WHAT THE FRICK DID I JUST READ?

Now, if you’ve been living under a rock locked in a safe buried at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, let me briefly get you up to speed:

  • The story started out as Twilight fanfiction [Can already tell it’s bad]
  • Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are the two sparkling vampire lovers characters we’re supposed to give a flying fart about [What the hell is up with their names?]
  • The charismatic, Adonis-like sparkling Grey becomes attracted to One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” Steele because E.L. James said so [Look up: Mary Sue]
  • Fifty Shades of Grey has been on The New York Times Best Sellers List for 57 weeks. [Their summary: “An innocent college student falls in love with a tortured man with particular sexual tastes; the first of a trilogy.”] 
  • The Fifty Shades series has been responsible for the death of over a trillion brain cells (and counting) and should not be read before operating heavy machinery, while pregnant, or ever. Ever. [Validity of claims pending verification]

If you want to read detailed reviews of the book, look elsewhere. Google that shit because you’ll find a gazillion of articles and threads about how awful the books are. And, of course, you’ll also find the abysses of crazed fans, who swear by the holy greatness of the series. Proceed with caution.

All right, I have to be honest, I didn’t actually read the whole series. And to be totally honest, I didn’t even finish the first book. Why? Because I have better means of rotting my brain and pummeling my soul to a pulpy heap than reading the rest of that vacuous crap. While Twilight was silly, I actually enjoyed the first book when I was 11-12ish. It was entertaining, as simplistic as it was in its style. Fifty Shades, on the other hand, is not only silly, it’s downright idiotic. Like Twilight, the super hot guy falls for the absolutely ordinary girl who’s supposedly way hotter than she thinks she is. The dialogue is atrocious – what you’d expect out of a cheap porno (not that I’d know what that’s like). The characters have less depth than Flat Stanley and the story- there is no real story. It’s all an excuse to write unrealistic and demeaning sex scenes.

Here’s a guy on YouTube doing several pretty good impressions while reading actual excerpts from Fifty Shades of Grey (Warning: NSFW language):

Still a better love story than Twilight? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve found the exception.

What do you think of the Fifty Shades series? Have you actually read it? (If not – GOOD. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.) 

Read more (Do you dare?):

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15 thoughts on “So, Uh, I Gave in to Fifty Shades of Grey (Insert Sub Joke Here… or Not)

  1. I managed to read the first, second, and about 3 chapters of the third book. I took it for what it was, an easy ass read and a funny ass hot mess but as actual literature, does not come close. I found them hilarious, the dialog, characters, situations… just ridiculous.

    • Seems E.L. James was so into Twilight, she had to pay homage to how ridiculous the series is. (Actually, the books themselves weren’t as laughably terrible as the movies. God, those movies were so unintentionally funny.)

  2. Thanks for the heads-up, I will definitely be spending my thrusting currency on more meaningful pursuits. And allow me to add; your pen stroke technique drives me wild.

    • I’m a cunning linguist, master debator, and [insert fellatio pun here]. And I am glad I helped steer at least one person away from this pulsing, festering excuse of a series.

      Thanks for reading.

  3. You aren’t missing out. I read the whole trilogy and I am honestly not sure how that happened. It was like I was watching a trainwreck. I couldn’t…stop…and it just went from bad to worse. Especially when the erotica started to trickle out and it just became a book of high school email flirting and Ana refusing to eat food because “that’s not what she’s hungry for” and Grey buying her stuff and an inner monologue of nothing but “Holy cow, he’s so freaking hot in his plain shirt and jeans and now my inner goddess is doing backflips!” . I think if you eliminated everything except the shadow of a plot each book would be MAYBE 20 pages long.

  4. You know when I started reading this post it did help to know that you were a girl otherwise it would have been plain creepy. Anyways I never dared to actually read a Twilight book. I saw the first move and it seemed fine (I was younger and who am I kidding Kristen Stewart is hot.) Anyways and then I saw the second movie and that is all. I never dared to even think of actually reading one of those things. And even though the online book stores tried ceaselessly to sell me a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I never fell prey to the “its the next big thing crap”. And thank you a for posting this. Just makes me glad. Here is another thing. I know a guy, he’s a friend actually, who read this book and a liked it, evidently, a lot. I don’t know what the hell to make of it! By the way, interesting tags.

    • Not going to lie – I’ve read all the Twilight books. I had already become invested in the first couple books, so I was curious about how it ended. Trust me, you are not missing out on anything life-changing.

      And really, I can see why people like it. Although it’s trash, it is pretty erotic stuff – just not my taste. We all have our guilty pleasures 🙂

      Thanks for reading.

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