How To Get Disowned on Mother’s Day

Oh what a beautiful morning. The birds are a-singin’ and the sun is a-shinin’. It’s Sunday, the second Sunday of May, which means I’ve got no work or school and can spend the rest of the day in my jammies watching Downton-

Sonofabitch.

You’ve been there. Nobody’s so perfect that they remember all the “important” non-holidays (unless you’re Leslie Knope). And if you’ve forgotten about Mother’s Day [again], you’re already on yo momma’s naughty list, so here’s how to prepare to soften the inevitable shit storm. (And if your mother’s like my mother, it’ll be one of them passive-aggressive shit storms. Oh boy.)

Mother's Day funny eCard

…Right?

Step 1. Frantically search for a last minute gift.

If it were Thursday or Friday, the Internet would be your best friend, where you can find something fast and ship it overnight in time for Mother’s Day. But because you’re a forgetful, procrastinating bastard – no judgment – Amazon, Etsy, and eBay are no help to you. This means you’ll need to actually get off your mother-hating ass and go out to buy a gift. Either that or make a gift.

Step 2. Believe that you can make a gift on the spot.

If you happen to be creative and have the resources, go ahead and do your thing. You’ve just saved your sorry hide on this Mother’s Day. However, if you’re not one of them artsy fartsy, creative types, this will not end well. Your mind will scramble through your elementary school memories of arts and crafts time, trying to come up with something to make. Sorry, a construction paper card with a crayon outline of your hand with a face drawn on it ain’t going to cut it this year. How about looking up “Mothers Day Gift Ideas” on Pinterest? Don’t kid yourself. You can’t make any of that crap.

Step 3. Give up on the creativity and go buy something. 

Arts and crafts are for more sophisticated folk. What you need to do now is hit your local market. Ideally, you’ll go to a Tiffany’s or a whatever-has-expensive-crap shop. Most likely, you’ll just go to a Target or a Hallmark store. Hell, you should just settle on a Walgreens. This is your mother we’re talking about. She’ll understand. (No, she won’t.)

Some gift ideas:

  • $25 gift card to Red Lobster
  • A [tall] frappe-mocha-cinno with cream and stuff from Starbucks
  • Hallmark card that comments on how she doesn’t look a day over than 25
  • Bag of beef jerky from 7-Eleven [Original Hickory flavor]
  • Tupperware from Walmart

Step 4. Present your sorry self and even sorrier gift to your progenitor.

Wait for it.

Step 5. Brace yourself. Because you’ll never heard the end of it.

Yep, if you aren’t spun around on your heels and given a forceful foot against your derriere out the door, you’ll just have to take the verbal beatdown that your mother will no doubt give you. For days. If not years. Good luck.

Get your mother something nice, punk:

Have you ever forgotten to do/get something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day? If you’re a freakin’ goodie-two-shoes, what did you do/get for her? Share your stories in the comments!

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17 thoughts on “How To Get Disowned on Mother’s Day

  1. Nice . You watch Downton Abbey as well?
    Also, I mostly write poetry for my presents. People are like “was fine it’s from your heart and soul and it’s homemade and whatever” and I’m like ” 1. I have been reliably informed I don’t have a heart (bonus points for Sherlock) and 2. I’m a freaking ginger. What soul?”

    • Nah, I haven’t seen Downton Abbey. Heard many good things, but just haven’t gone around to it for one reason or another.

      And poetry is a lovely present! Homemade presents are almost always the best kind of presents.

      (And by the way, gingers are awesome. Shh, don’t tell anyone I told you so.)

  2. Mother you must not ever forget how special you are to me and how much I love you, I will never forget all the pain and suffering you had to endure just to give me life, and all that you went through just to make sure I had the things I needed in life, you’re so special, no one could ever replace you even if they tried, mother I write this mother’s day poem because no one deserves it like you do, you always made me feel specially and love, and always gave me something to look forward to, you always told me there was nothing I could not accomplish, as long as you were around I can always count on you and as long as I believe in the lord I could do anything I set out to do, this is a special mother’s day poem and it’s just what you needed to hear on this mother’s day, a gift is nice but, this poem will be forever, I will always be there for you as you were always there for me.

  3. $25 gift card for Olive Garden and a Hallmark card in the mail. Now sometime today I have to call her.
    Luckily I will not have to visit her today and answer the question, have you tried losing weight.

  4. Oops I forgot. But hey, I live five hundred miles from my mother and mother doesn’t trust the internet for purchasing things. So, it wouldn’t please her if I send her a gift through the internet instead she’d be furious about it (something to do with things that got delivered elsewhere). So, for me its just a call which, thanks to you, I am about to make right now. Ain’t I lucky? And thanks a lot.

  5. In a diabolical voice with horns on my head I’ve got a couple of alternative options:

    1) You pull a Sheldon Cooper and give cash. You can explain to your mom that she knows what she likes, wants and needs the most.
    2) You can explain to your mom why the social convention of gift giving, especially to a family member, is unnecessary. I assume you’ve long since established reciprocity with your mom–point it out.
    3) You could explain how Mother’s Day, like most contemporary holidays that obligate one to give gifts and spend money, is a marketing tool of evil corporations.

  6. This is awesome! I’m a younger kid of a large family, so someone else always arranges a get-together & luckily we bring food for a meal instead of presents. Unfortunately, I have no clue what I will make. I’ll think of something!

  7. Haha, this post made me LOL! I guess I must be a goodie-two-shoes because I’ve never forgotten Mother’s Day. I’m never very imaginative with Mother’s Day gifts though; they usually revolve around the theme of “books, chocolate, scented bubble bath”. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts!

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