The Adventures of the Five Page Paper (or Damn It, I’ve Lost the Thesis)

All right, five pages. Five pages due tonight. That’s not bad. That’s freshman high school English stuff. Easy peazy, lemon squeezy. Last paper for this ethics class. Last. Paper. Then you’re home free (after two more exams, but not gonna’ think about that right now). Ok, here we go.

Assigment: Your goal is to identify the text’s central claims, the author’s major arguments that support these claims, and the evidence that supports these arguments. Think carefully about the purposes of the text and about the context and background knowledge that it presupposes.

Yeah, this shouldn’t be too hard. Easy text. Pretty obvious claims. Of course licensing parents is a no-no. There are so many moral violations – this is going to be a piece of cake to write about. Ok, here we go.

[Times New Roman, 12 pt font]

[Format name, class, prof name, date]

[Right click -> Paragraph -> Double-space]

Cracking my knuckles. Ok, here we go.

Oh a text message. Hahaha, gotta reply to this… “LOL yeah. Ron Swanson’s teh best :-)”

Ok, here we go.

“In this essay, I will analyze the claims of the paper.”

Hm, skip the intro. Save the intro for last. Screw writing an outline; I’m just going to go straight into the body (that’s what she said…?) All right, identify the claims, identify the claims… La-di-da-dah… ¬†Facebook… Oh, George Takei (or George Takei’s Facebook mod), you cheeky funny bastard. Pandora… Johnny Cash station. Yeah, Johnny’s my home boy. Ok, here we go.

“In support of his assertion that parent licensing programs are necessary to protect children, LaFollete cites studies and researched statistics as well as referring to self-made observations.”

Whew, that’s an amazing sentence. Time to reward myself with a few Cracked.com articles.

After several quick fixes

… What am I writing about again?

Scan through prompt with half-shut eyes and half-open mouth.

Ok, I got this, I got this. Claims, analyze, identify…

Two hours of YouTube, a sandwich, and two and a half paragraphs later…

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

KILL ME NOW.

Good luck to all fellow students on exams! What’s your essay-writing process? Got any procrastination tips? (And by “procrastination tips” I mean “ways to put off doing my essay for even longer.”)