Transportation Tuesday: It’s Not Like It’s Illegal

Scene: Morning bus. Stopped at a transit station.


Ready… and action.

SECURITY OFFICER: Bus fare! Everyone, get out your bus fare!

[Everyone scrambles for their wallets and lanyards.]

SECURITY OFFICER: Show me your bus fare please. Show me your bus fare please. Bus fare please. Bus fare… [People fumble around]

ME: [Of course, my wallet decides to magically envelope itself in my pocket.]

SECURITY OFFICER: Bus fare please.

ME: [Fumble. Twist. Pull. Push. Pull again. There we go- oh, no, pull to the left. Ok, there we go.]

[Note: When under pressure, time seems to stretch like Joan River’s botoxed face.]

SECURITY OFFICER: Bus fare, sir?

NOVEMBER: [Pulls out bus pass]

SECURITY OFFICER: [Squinting] That’s expired.

NOVEMBER: [“Duh” expression] No, it expires the end of November. [Lifts pass higher, as if the officer were bat blind]

SECURITY OFFICER: No, that expired November of last year, sir.

NOVEMBER: Huh? [Pulls pass back, scrutinizes it incomprehensibly. He looks like he’s tasting gym sock hors d’oeuvres.]

SECURITY OFFICER: I’ll have to ask you to get off the bus please.

NOVEMBER: [Walk of shame]

METH HEAD: [Mutters as SECURITY OFFICER leaves] [bleep]ing Nazis. They’re all [bleep]ing Nazis. God damn. [bleep] [bleepity bleep] What [bleep] .

[Maybe we should add another “bleep” for good measure.]

[The bus is now in motion again.]

METH HEAD: [Picks up cell phone. Doesn’t bother keeping his voice down.] Yeah, hey, what is up, man? Yeah these bus cops are [bleep]ing Nazis, man. I swear. It’s [bleep]ing ridiculous. Yeah? Oh [bleep], man. How much meth you take?

[Everyone around him is visibly uncomfortable. Avoiding eye contact at all costs.]

METH HEAD: 120 mg? I take 80 and I still get [bleep]ing high. I’m high everyday. I got the good stuff. I built up an “ee-mew-nity,” I take so much. The meth gets me so [bleep]ing high.

ME: [Dum-de-dum-de-dum, reading a book and minding my own business]

METH HEAD: [bleep] We got to get together. I got the really good stuff, man. Yeah. [bleep] Ah, hell yeah. No [bleep]ing way! [bleep] No [bleep] . Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. A’ight. I’ll see you in like an hour, man.

Amy Winehouse, rest in peace

Do not insert joke of poor taste here

Moral of the story: Just say “no.”

Or if you say “yes,” be quiet about it.

And get your bus fare ready. People have places to go.