How To Get Disowned on Mother’s Day

Oh what a beautiful morning. The birds are a-singin’ and the sun is a-shinin’. It’s Sunday, the second Sunday of May, which means I’ve got no work or school and can spend the rest of the day in my jammies watching Downton-

Sonofabitch.

You’ve been there. Nobody’s so perfect that they remember all the “important” non-holidays (unless you’re Leslie Knope). And if you’ve forgotten about Mother’s Day [again], you’re already on yo momma’s naughty list, so here’s how to prepare to soften the inevitable shit storm. (And if your mother’s like my mother, it’ll be one of them passive-aggressive shit storms. Oh boy.)

Mother's Day funny eCard

…Right?

Step 1. Frantically search for a last minute gift.

If it were Thursday or Friday, the Internet would be your best friend, where you can find something fast and ship it overnight in time for Mother’s Day. But because you’re a forgetful, procrastinating bastard – no judgment – Amazon, Etsy, and eBay are no help to you. This means you’ll need to actually get off your mother-hating ass and go out to buy a gift. Either that or make a gift.

Step 2. Believe that you can make a gift on the spot.

If you happen to be creative and have the resources, go ahead and do your thing. You’ve just saved your sorry hide on this Mother’s Day. However, if you’re not one of them artsy fartsy, creative types, this will not end well. Your mind will scramble through your elementary school memories of arts and crafts time, trying to come up with something to make. Sorry, a construction paper card with a crayon outline of your hand with a face drawn on it ain’t going to cut it this year. How about looking up “Mothers Day Gift Ideas” on Pinterest? Don’t kid yourself. You can’t make any of that crap.

Step 3. Give up on the creativity and go buy something. 

Arts and crafts are for more sophisticated folk. What you need to do now is hit your local market. Ideally, you’ll go to a Tiffany’s or a whatever-has-expensive-crap shop. Most likely, you’ll just go to a Target or a Hallmark store. Hell, you should just settle on a Walgreens. This is your mother we’re talking about. She’ll understand. (No, she won’t.)

Some gift ideas:

  • $25 gift card to Red Lobster
  • A [tall] frappe-mocha-cinno with cream and stuff from Starbucks
  • Hallmark card that comments on how she doesn’t look a day over than 25
  • Bag of beef jerky from 7-Eleven [Original Hickory flavor]
  • Tupperware from Walmart

Step 4. Present your sorry self and even sorrier gift to your progenitor.

Wait for it.

Step 5. Brace yourself. Because you’ll never heard the end of it.

Yep, if you aren’t spun around on your heels and given a forceful foot against your derriere out the door, you’ll just have to take the verbal beatdown that your mother will no doubt give you. For days. If not years. Good luck.

Get your mother something nice, punk:

Have you ever forgotten to do/get something nice for your mother on Mother’s Day? If you’re a freakin’ goodie-two-shoes, what did you do/get for her? Share your stories in the comments!

How Not To Party On St. Paddy’s Day

A non-guide to partying on St. Patrick’s Day for the young adult.

  1. Get alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.
  2. Get more alcohol.
  3. Buy St. Patrick’s Day decorations from the local Dollar Tree and plaster your house with them. [Alternative: Give your neighbor’s kid a can of green spray paint and $20 and tell him/her to spray the living crap out of your house. This may require premature consumption of alcohol before asking.]
  4. Clear your living room (or whichever room has the TV or movie-watching device). And by “clear,” I mean “shove all furniture to the sides of the room for an unobstructed view of the TV or movie-watching device. You don’t want to break anything. (If you’ve already consumed alcohol as per the alternative step #3, you might have already broken some things).
  5. Put in the movie Groundhog Day because screw St. Patrick’s Day.
  6. Commence Groundhog Day drinking game: drink a shot whenever Phil acts like an asshole, whenever “I Got You Babe” plays, whenever someone says “groundhog”, whenever a new day begins, whenever Phil fails to woo Rita, whenever Phil asks a question, whenever Phil tries to kill himself, and whenever you laugh.
  7. Amend the drinking game: drink whenever the hell you feel like it.
  8. If you haven’t vomited, cried, broken anything, or passed out by the end of the movie, try doing Gangnam Style in the middle of your room.
  9. Black out.
  10. Wake up on [select one: your lawn, your bed, a hospital bed, your neighbor’s lawn, a jail cot].
  11. Smile big. Plan on doing the same thing next year. And maybe invite a friend or two next time.

This has been a non-guide to partying on St. Patrick’s Day for the young adult sponsored by that awesome hangover you’ll have on March 18th. Top o’ the mornin’ to ya and Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

[Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any stupidity that may arise from this post. But if you do do something stupid, feel free to share it in the comments and tell us all about it.]