Falling Off the Face of the Earth

Dear Whomever Stumbles Across This,

For the next week, this stressed out student is taking something of an educational vacation.

Because of that, I won’t be able to update this wondiferously amazing site in real time. Therefore, I’ve scheduled some rad posts to come out Monday through Friday this coming week of spring break. Some of you students are on break; some have already been on break; some have yet to taste that spring freedom. To all of you, I say keep calm and study on (and don’t forget to procrastinate).

Because I’m no Dan Brown and I’m too lazy to be fun and make up a series of riddles or a textual scavenger hunt for this week, so you’re just going to have to settle with some old news dribble. I promise not to have too much fun without you folks because you know I love ya (except for that one guy, yeah, you know who you are). I also promise to make healthy, responsible, and all-around angelic choices this week unlike my fellow girls-gone-wild-esque peers (and you too, Jersey Shore fellas).¬†

So with a tip of my imaginary hat, I bid you folks a temporary adieu and enjoy yourself. Just enjoy yourself.

With non-sarcastic love,

S.O.S.

Transportation Tuesday: I Like Your Earrings

Scene: The seat behind me. Back of the bus. Morning.

Starring: 

Annoying Girl Laughing at You

IMPULSIVE TALKER

Like A Cholo

GANGSTA

Action.

GANGSTA: [Gets on bus]

IMPULSIVE TALKER: Hey, are those diamonds? [Points at GANGSTA’s earrings, half carat Dollar Tree studs that sparkle like an oil-covered baby seal]

GANGSTA: …

IMPULSIVE TALKER: [A little louder] Hey, are those diamonds?! Hey! Are – those – diamonds???!

GANGSTA: Why you wanna’ know, foo? Huh?

IMPULSIVE TALKER: Geez, I was just asking. You don’t have to be an ass.

GANGSTA: Ey, I don’t needa’ take that sh*t from you. I don’t need to take that kind of sh*t from you, b*tch.

OTHER PASSENGER: She was just asking a question.

GANGSTA: Shut up, man. Why don’t you mind your own business?

IMPULSIVE TALKER: [scoffs] Don’t be rude! I’m telling on you. [Gets up and walks toward the front of the bus]

GANGSTA: You need to grow up, b*tch! [Mutters in Spanish]

ME: [Thinking] Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh.

IMPULSIVE TALKER: [To bus driver] The man back there is using bad language. He’s being rude. I mean RUDE.

DRIVER: [sighs, wondering why he has this job, oh yeah, because job position on the Magic School Bus was already taken] I’ll talk to him.

IMPULSIVE TALKER: [Struts back triumphantly] I told on you.

GANGSTA: You need to learn how to grow up. [Mutters in Spanish again]

ME: [Thinking] Fight, fight, fight, fight!

 

Unfortunately, no physical fighting occurs. Darn. Although I think I could hear the daggers flying through the air from IMPULSIVE TALKER’s eyes for the rest of the bus ride.

Jersey Shore sucks

Still better than "Jersey Shore"

Transportation Tuesday: Preview

I don’t take the bus because I want to be green. I don’t take the bus because I like the smell of cigarette smoke and body odor. And I most certainly don’t take the bus because I like waking up two hours early to get to class on time. (If there’s anything I value more than the sanctity of my olfactory system, it’s sleeping.)

I only take the bus because I don’t have a car and I’m broke.

No, this is not a smear campaign against public transportation. Public transportation is great. It is a cheaper alternative to driving. I’d rather pay $6 a week for bus tickets than $60 a week filling up my gas glutton Hummer. On the bus, I can finish the homework I procrastinated on (not that I procrastinate), read a non-academic book (What’s Your Number is almost as bad as the movie), or people-watch (it’s only creepy if they catch you staring). It’s fun, like the adventure of someone who hardly has a life…

Ahem.

Yes, it hardly smells like a Hallmark candle and the [lack of] elbow room is deplorable, but let me tell you one thing: It’s a heck of a lot better than “Jersey Shore.”

Bobby Moynihan as Snooki

Google search: "Jersey Shore Stupid"

The greatest upside of public transportation is the front row seat to live, unscripted, reality entertainment. It’s true that people from many walks of life ride the bus, not just the people (like me) who can’t afford to drive. However, crazy people with enough spare change in their pocket inevitably ride the bus. And boy what a ride it becomes.

Thus begins the new segment “Transportation Tuesday.” Each Tuesday will bring a written, word-for-word transcript of one of my wacky experiences while using public transportation. Well, perhaps it won’t be exactly how the incident occured, but it will be close enough for the sake of laughs and your reading pleasure.

Here’s an unsavory taste:

WOMAN WITH LARGE NOSTRILS: [Digging for gold in the mines of Mt. Left Nez, while talking on phone] “Yeah, Cheryl? Yeah, I’ve got the charger. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Meet me there.”

ME: [Directly to her left, trying to dodge the nugget rockets]

WOMAN WITH LARGE NOSTRILS: [Snorts] “Well, tell Gary not to slap the meat next time!” [Guffaw, guffaw, snort] “He’s so stupid…”

ME: [Thinking] Look out the window. Pretend she’s not doing what I know she’s doing. La la la, la la. Happy, sanitary place.

Yeah, riding the bus is a dream.

Do you ride on public transportation to/from school? Or at all? Share your experiences in the comments below.