New School Year Resolutions (That I May or May Not Keep)

It’s that time of year again, folks – Back to School! Many of you school-goers have already been back for several weeks and, like me, you probably have some preconceptions about how this school year is going to turn out. As you may know, I absolutely adore making resolutions and I am in no way lazy or prone to procastibatory habits. Some of us set our bars high: get straight A’s, schmooze up professors for good recommendations, land an internship, etc. And some of us set our bars at a slightly lower level: make it through the year without dying… yep. (Or the slightly more ambitious “make it through the year without becoming a hermetic, manic depressive alcoholic.”)

Here's Johnny

“You want a thesis?? Heeere’s a thesis!”

What I’ve found to be the most damaging to our resolution-keeping morale is our delusory convictions that all of our resolutions are made within the bounds of reality. Bubble-bursting time: they’re usually not. “I’m going to lose 50 pounds by the end of the term!” All right, start by ignoring all your classes, then hit the gym twice a day every day for the next three months, whilst counting each calorie that makes it pass those porker lips of yours. Oh, and don’t forget to forget to eat. Good luck!

So here are my realistic resolutions for this upcoming term:

  • Go to all my classes
  • Don’t sleep in any  more than one of my classes [per week]
  • Send a request to the ego to hit the gym at least 3 times a week (Actually convincing self: optional)
  • Indulge in a face-to-face interaction with someone new (even if it’s one of those Greenpeace canvassers)
  • Don’t procrastinate
  • Procrastinate less
  • Cultivate more strategic strategies of completing work at the penultimate moment before the deadline
  • Go to sleep before midnight (unless there’s something irresistibly interesting on the Internet)
  • Cut back on the awkwardness [just a smidge- don’t go crazy]

Well, I think that just about covers it. What more should I add to my realistic list of resolutions that I’ll totally keep?

What are some resolutions you’ve made for yourself this school year? Are they school-related or just general life-related? Hold yourself accountable and share them in the comments. Don’t worry, you’re in good demotivated company. 

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What to Write When You Don’t Know What to Write About (or How to Waste Time)

Ok, here we go, getting back to regularly blogging. Ok. *attempts to crack knuckles* Ow. Ok, ok, let’s see what we have here. A title. Good, good, at least we have a title. Is it funny? Who am I kidding, it’s a riot. Eh, it’s all right, but it’s 11 PM and that final episode of Dexter was freaking disappointing. I mean really – did any of the writers, actors, producers give a flying fart anymore about what happened in the show? And why did they-

Focus. Focus. Blog post. All right what’s funny, what’s funny. Uh, procrastinating. Er, no, not procrastinating, there’s nothing to procrastinate yet. So let’s procrastinate on procrastinating. Next.

Write about my summer? Ech, long story, too lazy. TL;DR: “too lazy; didn’t (w)rite”.

Tee hee, I’m clever.

Starting over – what do I want to write about? What is it that I just can’t wait to share with the world (or my small corner of it on WordPress)? Meditate, meditate, ooooooohm, oooooohhm, oooo… Falling asleep *slap slap* What’s the time? Great, I’ve only passed 2 minutes. Ugh, what am I going to write about???!

Well, at least I’m writing again, priming the pump for some actually interesting and entertaining writing… Oh no, I’m going to lose readers, aren’t I? This is crap, this is CRAP!!! C-R-A-P CRAP. Wait, only at about 290 words – Must. Write. More.

Words, words, words, lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, klaatu barata nikto-

Oh, check the news- no, too lazy. Look around the room for inspiration- egad, what a mess. I really should clear my desk of all that crap. Maybe I’ll get to it tomorrow.

Who am I kidding, I’m too lazy.

In conclusion: I’m too lazy to give you a decent post. So there. *raspberry*

(Slowly getting back into the swing of things. I promise to have a quality post tomorrow. Pinky swear.) 

Late Night Internet Junk Food

Like all other college students studying for midterms…

I’m not studying for midterms. Not at the moment anyway.

Instead, I’m here. On the Internet. Typing. Reading. And not studying.

Why? Well, does it really need an explanation? It’s just past midnight here and I can’t go to sleep. It didn’t really help to turn on my computer because the sickeningly magnetic quality of Facebook trumps the just-plain-sickening half-finished essay on my Desktop. (Actually, it’s more accurately about a quarter-finished, but who’s counting pages?) So let me share a peak at the past hour of my browsing the junk foods section of the cyber information market:

  • The Giants won the World Series. And the fans got their freak on.
  • It’s Bob Ross‘ birthday.
  • Iron Man 3 trailer. Just watch it. And then crap your pants. Then watch it again. (BEN F-CKING KINGSLEY)
  • Something about Kim Kardashi- never mind, moving on.
  • Joss Whedon’s warning of the Zomney apocalypse.
  • And because I feel guilty about vegetating my mind, here’s something actually educational: Why men have nipples

And there we go. What are some interesting sites that you like to browse/play/waste your time on? Please share in the comments section!

Also, here’s a moving GIF of a puppy face down in a pool:

Puppy Pool GIF
You’re welcome.

Stress: Friend of my enemy… is my friend?

Think back to high school. Or if you’re in high school, think back to yesterday:

So you’re sitting on your couch, minding your own business as you’re watching “America’s Got Talent” and just as they’re about to boo off a guy in clown shoes and suspenders jumping on one leg while singing “Yankee Doodle” in falsetto, your mom comes in and this transpires:

Mom: “Hey, favorite daughter/son/androgynous child, it’s Sunday.”

You: *tear your eyes from the screen reluctantly* “Yeah, so?”

Mom: “Well, have you finished all your homework?”

You: “… Yeah…”

Mom: “Okay.” *leaves*

You:

Size of your brain while watching TV

At this moment, as your body stiffens and all the blood rushes back to your TV-fried brain, you remember the homework that was so cruelly assigned to you on Friday.

Well, guess what? It’s all due tomorrow. You procrastinated – again. So what do you do? You watch as your mom leaves the room and then you make like a clumsy ninja and fly over to your backpack, arms flailing, mind reeling, and you get out your crumpled packet of work from the bottom of your bag. You brush off the sandwich crumbs and pencil shavings and think “oh crap.”  Time to pull yet another all-nighter.

All Nighter

What you look like

This not uncommon occurence (I’m guilty of it, too) has many consequences, the most awful one being fatigue. I’m no expert, but I’m guessing you probably value your sleep – a lot. Me too. So all-nighters do not a happy camper make. Without a good night’s sleep, I am a mental trainwreck. And let me tell you, my mind has been a wreck since freshman year of high school.

When I lose this much precious sleep, it had better be for a good cause: I’m two steps away from curing cancer, I’m conducting revolutionary sleep experiments, I’m afraid of the dark, yadda yadda yadda… But no – it’s because of homework. Because I was raised by people who would practically whip me if I got less than an “A,” turning in homework is kind of a big deal. What does this drown me in?

Stress.

That’s what it’s all about (now do the hokey pokey…). It’s what causes my hair to fall out, helps create the bags under my eyes, and what makes those pink elephants appear when I’m half-awake (curse you, Dumbo). But – is it really all that bad? I mean, really?

Really?

I know, I know, I just spent 300 words talking about how bad stress is, but like a story, a coin, or Harvey Dent, there are two sides to it. Yes, stress can weaken your immune system, give you headaches, strain your relationships, (the list goes on). However, it can also be my best friend. Okay, maybe more like a frenemy – whatever that means. Stress is like a 6 1/2 foot boxing coach with grit in his teeth and steel in his eyes. He pushes me forward, makes me work toward my goal, and frightens me out of failure by threatening me with failure. Whenever I want to give up and nod off and drool all over my papers, Stress smacks me in the face with an imagined “F” and scenarios that scare me into academic submission:

If I get an “F,” I’ll fail the class. If I fail the class, I’ll never graduate. Then no one will hire me except for the gas station and I’ll be stuck pumping gas for minimum wage for the rest of my life. I won’t be able to afford rent. I’ll sleep on the street, be beaten up and laughed at by passing gangbangers, develop internal bleeding, won’t be able to afford the hospital bill. And I’ll die a complete and utter failure with no one to cry at my funeral because I won’t even have a funeral… or a coffin…

You don’t need to tell me I have issues and don’t tell me your imagination has never gone that far before. Hey, it works.

So like everything else, stress is good in moderation – can’t live with it, can’t live without it. Sort of. Just don’t procrastinate.
Yeah right.

Images courtesy of Stock.Xchng.