So, Uh, I Gave in to Fifty Shades of Grey (Insert Sub Joke Here… or Not)

Let us thrust into this post head first-

Wait, that came out wrong.

Sit down and tell me how naughty-

Whoa, what’s happening.

Allow me to ease myself into the supple contours of your mind whilst tracing tantalizing sentences along the creamy arch of your-

Ok, now that you’re fully aroused, let’s talk about Fifty Shades of Grey.

This treasure of English literature has been giving house moms and post-Twilight teens lady erections since 2011 and it’s been covered high and low, parodied, and read aloud by Gilbert Gottfried and George Takei (oh my-y-y-y).  Even with all the rabid hubbub surrounding the series, my personal integrity beat out my curiosity to read the overexposed series – until recently.

I gave in, goddammit. I just had to see what all the hype and commotion was about. Could it really be that bad?

Folks, I’ll say what thousands upon thousands have said before me: WHAT THE FRICK DID I JUST READ?

Now, if you’ve been living under a rock locked in a safe buried at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, let me briefly get you up to speed:

  • The story started out as Twilight fanfiction [Can already tell it’s bad]
  • Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are the two sparkling vampire lovers characters we’re supposed to give a flying fart about [What the hell is up with their names?]
  • The charismatic, Adonis-like sparkling Grey becomes attracted to One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” Steele because E.L. James said so [Look up: Mary Sue]
  • Fifty Shades of Grey has been on The New York Times Best Sellers List for 57 weeks. [Their summary: “An innocent college student falls in love with a tortured man with particular sexual tastes; the first of a trilogy.”] 
  • The Fifty Shades series has been responsible for the death of over a trillion brain cells (and counting) and should not be read before operating heavy machinery, while pregnant, or ever. Ever. [Validity of claims pending verification]

If you want to read detailed reviews of the book, look elsewhere. Google that shit because you’ll find a gazillion of articles and threads about how awful the books are. And, of course, you’ll also find the abysses of crazed fans, who swear by the holy greatness of the series. Proceed with caution.

All right, I have to be honest, I didn’t actually read the whole series. And to be totally honest, I didn’t even finish the first book. Why? Because I have better means of rotting my brain and pummeling my soul to a pulpy heap than reading the rest of that vacuous crap. While Twilight was silly, I actually enjoyed the first book when I was 11-12ish. It was entertaining, as simplistic as it was in its style. Fifty Shades, on the other hand, is not only silly, it’s downright idiotic. Like Twilight, the super hot guy falls for the absolutely ordinary girl who’s supposedly way hotter than she thinks she is. The dialogue is atrocious – what you’d expect out of a cheap porno (not that I’d know what that’s like). The characters have less depth than Flat Stanley and the story- there is no real story. It’s all an excuse to write unrealistic and demeaning sex scenes.

Here’s a guy on YouTube doing several pretty good impressions while reading actual excerpts from Fifty Shades of Grey (Warning: NSFW language):

Still a better love story than Twilight? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve found the exception.

What do you think of the Fifty Shades series? Have you actually read it? (If not – GOOD. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.) 

Read more (Do you dare?):

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The Vacation Hangover: Why Short Academic Breaks Suck

Spring Break is the worst. No sooner do you strip into your beach clothes and fling your nubile body into a sea of bad choices than you find yourself (no worse for wear, of course) stranded back in the Land of Higher Learnedness. Fan-freakin-tastic.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – as long as you’re thinking what I’m hypothetically thinking, which is probably likely if you frequently think in Oscar Wilde quotes and dirty limericks –

“Yet another display of the ingratitude of our lazy, worthless youth. Higher education is a privilege! It is only possible for you to experience this opportunity of enlightenment because of the work of my back-breaking generation, young whipper snapper. In my dinosaur-wrangling days, we didn’t even have a spring break! And the only purpose of summer break was so that we could earn our dues working in the fields. You and the rest of you worthless ingrates don’t deserve a break from all the ‘work’ you do flushing your education money down the bloomin’ toilet.”

Yes, I hear ya verbatim.

The technically 9 days of break that we get is not enough for us to relax. It’s like telling us we can sleep in and then waking us up in the middle of REM sleep. This does not a motivated student make.

I got 99 problems and yep, short breaks from school are one of them. Why do we even bother with a few days interrupting the academic year? I’m not quite sure how semesters do it – does spring break split up your semester? With quarters/trimesters, spring break marks the end of the winter term and the beginning of the spring term. Even then, spring break is more of an unsatisfying tease than some long romance. Darn those Bacchus-worshiping Greeks and Colgate University swim jocks. Spring break isn’t freedom. It’s our 30 minute recess before we shuffle back to our cells. According to a comment on this article, all spring break is now “is a bunch of immature, drunken, TOO sexually active teens, and of course rapist on the side line just awaiting another drunk girl to attack.”

Spring Break Drunk at the Beach

Not pictured: Predatory man awaiting anything (expect aspirin)

What has this world come to? Tsk, tsk. O the moral fiber of our country ruined by this one week of bad decisions and illusory freedom. Ha! And for many, it’s just a week of sitting in front of the TV/computer catching up on episodes of Parks and Recreation and re-enacting the days of the freshman 15. And some people are vying for another miniscule breakduring the fall! Do these fools not understand? Do they not see the economy of it? What is better – mini-breaks throughout the year or one lo-o-o-o-ong break over the course of the summer? Either that or give us summer-equivalent breaks throughout the year. Yes, someone get on this now. No more one-weekers – that’s communist crap. Give us three months of breaks at a time! That way, we’ll be refreshed and completely slated clean for those soul-sucking faculty members to try to actually learn us some good edjumacation.

It’s so crazy it just might work. Maybe.

How was your spring break? Feeling refreshed and raring to get back to the daily academic grind? Got any good spring break/vacation stories? (Don’t worry, your shenanigans can’t possibly be traced back to you). 

Keep calm and read on: