New School Year Resolutions (That I May or May Not Keep)

It’s that time of year again, folks – Back to School! Many of you school-goers have already been back for several weeks and, like me, you probably have some preconceptions about how this school year is going to turn out. As you may know, I absolutely adore making resolutions and I am in no way lazy or prone to procastibatory habits. Some of us set our bars high: get straight A’s, schmooze up professors for good recommendations, land an internship, etc. And some of us set our bars at a slightly lower level: make it through the year without dying… yep. (Or the slightly more ambitious “make it through the year without becoming a hermetic, manic depressive alcoholic.”)

Here's Johnny

“You want a thesis?? Heeere’s a thesis!”

What I’ve found to be the most damaging to our resolution-keeping morale is our delusory convictions that all of our resolutions are made within the bounds of reality. Bubble-bursting time: they’re usually not. “I’m going to lose 50 pounds by the end of the term!” All right, start by ignoring all your classes, then hit the gym twice a day every day for the next three months, whilst counting each calorie that makes it pass those porker lips of yours. Oh, and don’t forget to forget to eat. Good luck!

So here are my realistic resolutions for this upcoming term:

  • Go to all my classes
  • Don’t sleep in any  more than one of my classes [per week]
  • Send a request to the ego to hit the gym at least 3 times a week (Actually convincing self: optional)
  • Indulge in a face-to-face interaction with someone new (even if it’s one of those Greenpeace canvassers)
  • Don’t procrastinate
  • Procrastinate less
  • Cultivate more strategic strategies of completing work at the penultimate moment before the deadline
  • Go to sleep before midnight (unless there’s something irresistibly interesting on the Internet)
  • Cut back on the awkwardness [just a smidge- don’t go crazy]

Well, I think that just about covers it. What more should I add to my realistic list of resolutions that I’ll totally keep?

What are some resolutions you’ve made for yourself this school year? Are they school-related or just general life-related? Hold yourself accountable and share them in the comments. Don’t worry, you’re in good demotivated company. 

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Late Night Internet Junk Food

Like all other college students studying for midterms…

I’m not studying for midterms. Not at the moment anyway.

Instead, I’m here. On the Internet. Typing. Reading. And not studying.

Why? Well, does it really need an explanation? It’s just past midnight here and I can’t go to sleep. It didn’t really help to turn on my computer because the sickeningly magnetic quality of Facebook trumps the just-plain-sickening half-finished essay on my Desktop. (Actually, it’s more accurately about a quarter-finished, but who’s counting pages?) So let me share a peak at the past hour of my browsing the junk foods section of the cyber information market:

  • The Giants won the World Series. And the fans got their freak on.
  • It’s Bob Ross‘ birthday.
  • Iron Man 3 trailer. Just watch it. And then crap your pants. Then watch it again. (BEN F-CKING KINGSLEY)
  • Something about Kim Kardashi- never mind, moving on.
  • Joss Whedon’s warning of the Zomney apocalypse.
  • And because I feel guilty about vegetating my mind, here’s something actually educational: Why men have nipples

And there we go. What are some interesting sites that you like to browse/play/waste your time on? Please share in the comments section!

Also, here’s a moving GIF of a puppy face down in a pool:

Puppy Pool GIF
You’re welcome.

Vacational Cerebral Atrophy (A.K.A. Getting Dumber over the Summer)

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Anywhere from 2 weeks ago to 2 months ago, students across the U.S. of A. were released from their annual 10 month sentence of incarceration. No more confinement with scheduled “outside” hours. No more having to ask to go to the bathroom (and getting coldly rejected). No more trips to the warden in the detentional hall. And definitely no more menial labor for “our benefit.” Because guess what? It’s summertime, baby.

It is summertime! Well, in school terms, it’s summertime. The summer solstice occurs around June 20th, so technically, it’s still spring when most schools get out. But that’s not important. What is important is the fact that – unless you’re going to summer school – there is no freaking school for 3 months. Heck. Yes.

I am Superman

And develop superhuman flying abilities

As soon as the final bell rings, you and your peers break through the rusty prison – I mean school – doors, rip off your shirts/pants and unleash a victorious warcry signalling your survival of yet another school year. Bring on the fun and the laziness! Yeah, everyone go to my house. I’ll provide the music – you bring the booze and he’ll bring the textbooks – to burn! (Of course you wouldn’t do this because you’re more responsible than that. Yeah.)

So for the next 3 months, the words “homework,” “study,” “set alarm clock,” “all-nighter,” and all their associations will automagically vanish from your vocabulary. You will purge your system physically and mentally of all mention of the mandatory institution that is public education and you will let yourself go in every way possible to make up for the past 10 months of academic brain-frying. Also, you’re trying to get a head start for next year because hey, you are a proactive fellow with goals and priorities and all that good stuff.

If you’re really lucky, you’ll even forget how to read and write! Suck that, Education System. All that work teaching me for nothin’! Aint it awsum!!!1 These next three months will be cycling between partying, screwing up my sleeping schedule, getting a tan from the sun, getting a tan from my computer screen, and wasting all the time in the world (three months’ time).

One of my high school teachers: Why don’t you utilize [he’s the kind of guy that says “utilize” instead of just plain “use”] your summer break to improve yourself and further your education?

Random Student: Dude, why would I wanna’ do that?

High School Teacher: Students always complain they don’t have enough time, when they are the ones that have plenty of time. Make yourself a more valuable person. Build yourself for success.

Random Student: … Sounds like work.

High School Teacher: *In-your-soul-and-inner-thoughts-stare* Just go kick some academic butt.

Huh? You mean, actually do… meaningful stuff over summer break?… Is that even legal? What about having fun and purging all traces of school from our systems? What? Pshaw, the future is the future – it ain’t here yet, so I don’t have to worry about it. So buck off, Old Timer.

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

Caption not needed

To the point of this entry: summer doesn’t have to be a waste of time. You don’t have to let yourself struggle your first week of school just because you forgot everything you ever learned and thus have to waste the first month of the next school year refreshing lessons from the first grade. Do I sound like a party-pooping old fart? Unfortunately, I kind of do.

Regardless, just make a list of things you want to accomplish or try or just plain do this summer. Give yourself a goal. A lot can be done in three months: travelling to Cambodia, learning a language, developing a new mathematical theorem applicable to quantum physics. Lots can be done! So don’t just sit and regret not doing things. (Conversely, don’t do things that you’ll regret doing – but I don’t want to get too old-fart-preachy.)

Here are some things you can do to make the most of your summer (Hint: Links provided for clarification. Click on them.):


So get out there and reach your potential! Explore the unexplored! Achieve the unachieved! Unleash the… leashed…

Just go!

Images courtesy of Stock.Xchng and www.hogshaven.com