Scrap Paper Poetry #8: Rime of the Alumni Caller

Scrap Paper Poetry #8 | Stressing Out College

Hello! my name is – do you have the time
to listen to a caller’s rhyme?

Night after night, machine after machine,
a voicemail greeting most obscene,
rejection here, a hang up there,
suppressed frustrations everywhere.

“Match that gift-” the managers cry,
while we ask alumni to buy, buy, buy
the security of students future, present, and past
to ensure our beloved school will last-

Oh please! Don’t go! I’ve just begun!
And there goes yet another one.
With every single angry click,
I follow the clock, each sluggish tick.
The second hand is my dearest friend,
the one who leads to me each shift’s end.

Hello! my name is – do you have the time
to listen to a caller’s rhyme?


Dedicated to my fellow call center workers, especially those at university telefunds. A half-assed poem is all the condolence I can offer. Whatever pays the bills.

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New School Year Resolutions (That I May or May Not Keep)

It’s that time of year again, folks – Back to School! Many of you school-goers have already been back for several weeks and, like me, you probably have some preconceptions about how this school year is going to turn out. As you may know, I absolutely adore making resolutions and I am in no way lazy or prone to procastibatory habits. Some of us set our bars high: get straight A’s, schmooze up professors for good recommendations, land an internship, etc. And some of us set our bars at a slightly lower level: make it through the year without dying… yep. (Or the slightly more ambitious “make it through the year without becoming a hermetic, manic depressive alcoholic.”)

Here's Johnny

“You want a thesis?? Heeere’s a thesis!”

What I’ve found to be the most damaging to our resolution-keeping morale is our delusory convictions that all of our resolutions are made within the bounds of reality. Bubble-bursting time: they’re usually not. “I’m going to lose 50 pounds by the end of the term!” All right, start by ignoring all your classes, then hit the gym twice a day every day for the next three months, whilst counting each calorie that makes it pass those porker lips of yours. Oh, and don’t forget to forget to eat. Good luck!

So here are my realistic resolutions for this upcoming term:

  • Go to all my classes
  • Don’t sleep in any  more than one of my classes [per week]
  • Send a request to the ego to hit the gym at least 3 times a week (Actually convincing self: optional)
  • Indulge in a face-to-face interaction with someone new (even if it’s one of those Greenpeace canvassers)
  • Don’t procrastinate
  • Procrastinate less
  • Cultivate more strategic strategies of completing work at the penultimate moment before the deadline
  • Go to sleep before midnight (unless there’s something irresistibly interesting on the Internet)
  • Cut back on the awkwardness [just a smidge- don’t go crazy]

Well, I think that just about covers it. What more should I add to my realistic list of resolutions that I’ll totally keep?

What are some resolutions you’ve made for yourself this school year? Are they school-related or just general life-related? Hold yourself accountable and share them in the comments. Don’t worry, you’re in good demotivated company. 

I Regretfully Regret: Cramming for Physics

Wait, wait, I know this isn’t all that original. “A college student procrastinating on important college work? Oh me, oh my.” But hold on and just read the damn post. Humor me.

Indeed, “Procrastination” is my middle name – a middle name I’m sure I share with plenty of you, college students or otherwise.

As you may remember, I recently started a new post series called “I Regretfully Regret” – which was supposed to be weekly, but cut me some slack. I’m a lazy college student, remember? This week, my Regretful Regret is cramming for a physics midterm and here is why:

  1. Physics is damn tough.
  2. What the hell is Bernoulli’s equation again?
  3. When did my handwriting get so bad?
  4. Crap, I can’t figure out half of what I wrote down for notes
  5. Is that a “t” or a “w”?
  6. Calculator… battery dead? Nooooooooo… Must scramble through a dozen and two drawers to find batteries.
  7. 1:43 a.m. – if I finish in half an hour, I’ll still get approximately 5 hours and 47 minutes of sleep
  8. 2 hour session of alternating among studying, YouTubing, and crying
  9. 4:12 a.m. – can still get 3 hours and something something minutes of sleep [oh no, my math skills have died]
  10. Inject emergency caffeine supply into arm. Head to class.

Stay in school, kids, and practice healthy study habits.

Yeah, right.

What is a recent Regretful Regret you have? If you’re a student, do you have any school-related regrets to share? (Don’t lie – we know you have plenty). Share them in the comments!