Scrap Paper Poetry #9: Final Final Finally Finished

Final final finally finished:
My mind is numb, all brain waves diminished.
But the year is over and I can easily breathe;
Summer is here, a much needed reprieve.
For the next three months, I’m as free as a bird
And I won’t have to be forced to etch another word
Of a god awful essay or droll presentation,
I can start on my packing for summer vacation.
My hairs are a little grayer
And I’m now relying on Bayer,
But exams have been vanquished-
Final final finally finished.

---

Well, another year has come to a close and another summer has approacheth’d. I don’t need any excuses for my fauxetry. My brain might now be a charred lump of coal after this past harrowing year, but that ain’t gonna stop me from trying to have a kick ass summer vacation. Fellow stressed out students – rejoice! 

Update: In Which the Student Apologizes for Falling Behind (Yet Again)

Normally, here is where I say “well golly gee, folks, long time no see” and then make a resolution against my better judgment to post more for you fine folks of the Interwebs.

(Everything except for the last six words is BS.) 

I’ve been gone awhile and, as per usual, my posting has been sporadic at best. My other blog has been receiving the majority of my attention, but I don’t even post with any regularity there either.

After this post, I’m going to disappear again. I could excuse myself because this is dead week and finals are going to follow shortly after, but you and I both know that if I really felt like updating, I’d certainly do it. Any student knows that watching paint dry can be a good enough excuse for procrastinating on homework and studying.

Who says boredom can’t be productive?

So I’m not going to whisper sweet nothings in your ear and give you caressing reassurances that I’ll stop misusing you. The simple truth is that my mind is mush and I need to rediscover my motivation for writing and vomiting my ideas for you all to read. Dear Reader, you deserve better. So here’s what I’m actually going to do:

– First, I’m going to find a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

– Second, I’m going to make my way through the neglected shows in my DVR (Don’t worry, Leslie Knope, I’m coming!)

– Third, I’m going to sleep.

– Fourth, I’m going to sleep some more.

– Fifth, I’m just going to post when I’m going to post.

And that’s that. I have nothing more to say at the moment, except for I miss you guys and hope to chat with y’all more soon.

Cheers,

SOS

Dead Week: I’M DOING MY BEST(ish)

“I’M DOING MY BEST. A journal in which to prove that despite any indications to the contrary I am constantly working on myself and trying to become the very best me even though it’s a much slower and harder process than Oprah and Deepak would have me believe and while I would sometimes prefer just to swallow a pill or have a personality transplant I will keep plugging away at this infernal self-improvement thing until I’ve done so well I can come back in my next life as a golden retriever.”

One of those life philosophy/human condition themed journals you find in the non-book merchandise section of Barnes and Noble. Shallow as it might be, it still tickled my study-numbed funny bone.

I’ll be back with a proper blog post soon, I pinky swear.

Final Examinations: The Intermissionary Position

Well, we have arrived at the middle of finals week. Here’s some intermission music for you while you read this post:

 

Yes, yes, you get it, I like Monty Python. Now let’s get on with it.

So you’re smack dab in the middle of finals week and you’re feeling down in the academic dumps. You feel your life force trickling away from your haggard body and emaciated mind. Maybe you’ve already completed a final or two and have one final paper to write until you’re free to frolic into the wide open arms of the winter holidays. In any case, hump day feels like slump day, you’re as mad as Hell and you’re not going to take it anymore.

We’re running out of f*cks to give!

Peace, my fellow students, peace. Your friend Stressed Out Student is here to help. Take an off day. So what, you have a final early tomorrow morning. Is an A+ really worth the sacrifice of that last sliver of insanity you have tucked away in that dwindling island of a happy place you have? No, of course not. What use is a college degree if you’re locked away in a madhouse muttering the periodic table of elements in between electroshock sessions? Right, no use whatsoever.

So take a breather, my friend. Do a little Christmas shopping (H&M was having a huge sale!), take a leisurely stroll around town (even if it is the coldest December on record), drop by your friendly neighborhood Church of Scientology, and make yourself a gargantuan kettle of tea.

Do something you’ve been meaning to do forever. Go see a movie or a play. Call up your friends. If you have no friends (like me), never fear, the Internet is your friend. Watch “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” clips with a container of your favorite finger snack. To hell with early morning finals. Cram the whole first season of Breaking Bad into your late evening/early morning before your test. Drink a couple Red Bulls and you’ll be good to go.

I am your best friend on the Internet. Would I ever steer you wrong?

Happy Finals Week, my friends. Stay sane(ish).

Scrap Paper Poetry #7: The Studying Dead

The students crawl in,
The students crawl out
They stalk the library
And lug about
Their arm-and-leg textbooks
And coffee stained pages
With eyes lacking luster-
They haven’t slept in ages.
It’s Dead Week – Beware
For the dead shall walk
Through dorm rooms, cafes,
And each campus block.
We hunger for brains
And will never rest
Until judgment day:
That sweet final test.

---

And holy balls- did you watch The Walking Dead? Good reminder of the benefits of staying ahead ((badum tss)). Good luck with finals, fellow students! And to all else, good luck with… life!