Update: The Final Countdown… with a Vengeance

Here’s your earworm to suck on (to hell with keeping metaphors straight):

Greetings, fellow bloglings,

Stressed Out Student here with a final countdown at the Stressing Out College blog, my first blog baby. Let’s not get too sentimental here, but I have some fond memories of this blog, some posts that make me smile (and oftentimes cringe), and many posts that hit me with a feeling of foreigness. It’s been a lovely run, but never fear! I am not leaving the blogosphere forever (I know, you were desperately worried, but I got you).

I’ll be continuing my journey over at my brand new blog baby The Lonely Tribalist, where I’ll chronicle all that is mundane in the new and subsequent chapters of my life, focusing on the phenomenon of 7 billion tribal creatures each living surprisingly lonely lives. A world filled with tribes of one.

Don’t worry, I’ll keep it light. And snarky. I hope to see at least some of you over there. I’ve truly missed the lot of you.

Cheers and see you soon,


New School Year Resolutions (That I May or May Not Keep)

It’s that time of year again, folks – Back to School! Many of you school-goers have already been back for several weeks and, like me, you probably have some preconceptions about how this school year is going to turn out. As you may know, I absolutely adore making resolutions and I am in no way lazy or prone to procastibatory habits. Some of us set our bars high: get straight A’s, schmooze up professors for good recommendations, land an internship, etc. And some of us set our bars at a slightly lower level: make it through the year without dying… yep. (Or the slightly more ambitious “make it through the year without becoming a hermetic, manic depressive alcoholic.”)

Here's Johnny

“You want a thesis?? Heeere’s a thesis!”

What I’ve found to be the most damaging to our resolution-keeping morale is our delusory convictions that all of our resolutions are made within the bounds of reality. Bubble-bursting time: they’re usually not. “I’m going to lose 50 pounds by the end of the term!” All right, start by ignoring all your classes, then hit the gym twice a day every day for the next three months, whilst counting each calorie that makes it pass those porker lips of yours. Oh, and don’t forget to forget to eat. Good luck!

So here are my realistic resolutions for this upcoming term:

  • Go to all my classes
  • Don’t sleep in any  more than one of my classes [per week]
  • Send a request to the ego to hit the gym at least 3 times a week (Actually convincing self: optional)
  • Indulge in a face-to-face interaction with someone new (even if it’s one of those Greenpeace canvassers)
  • Don’t procrastinate
  • Procrastinate less
  • Cultivate more strategic strategies of completing work at the penultimate moment before the deadline
  • Go to sleep before midnight (unless there’s something irresistibly interesting on the Internet)
  • Cut back on the awkwardness [just a smidge- don’t go crazy]

Well, I think that just about covers it. What more should I add to my realistic list of resolutions that I’ll totally keep?

What are some resolutions you’ve made for yourself this school year? Are they school-related or just general life-related? Hold yourself accountable and share them in the comments. Don’t worry, you’re in good demotivated company. 

He-e-e-re’s Johnny, It’s Ali-i-i-i-ve! (and Other Resurrection Cliches)

Lucy, I’m home!

You may not be America’s favorite oldies redhead, but I ain’t a crooning Hispanic man either. In any case, after a summer filled with Hangover-meets-Mister-Magoo-esque shenanigans, Stressed Out Student is back! I know you recurring readers have missed me awfully and have felt just a little bit emptier these past few months, so I applaud you for your verve and undying tenacity. Well, folks, the drought of quality humor and deep societal insight is over! I’m making it rain!

Metaphorically, of course. I’m still a college student, so the making of the fiscal rain is postponed. Wait, that turned out to be a mixed metaphor. Sorry, I’m a bit rusty, but I’ll be back in tip top creative, sarcastic shape in no time. This upcoming week, to make up for lost time (time very well spent, actually), I will be posting each day leading up to that harrowing date of September 30 – the first day of Fall Quarter 2013. (Cue clattering lightning).

To the familiar faces, I’ve missed you all. To the new faces, stick around, you might learn something.

Or at the very least, smile and hate your life just a little bit less. That is all.

How was your summer? Do anything great, exciting, irresponsible? Share it in the comments (even if you thought your summer was boring as Hell – you’re special, too).

I Regretfully Regret: Cramming for Physics

Wait, wait, I know this isn’t all that original. “A college student procrastinating on important college work? Oh me, oh my.” But hold on and just read the damn post. Humor me.

Indeed, “Procrastination” is my middle name – a middle name I’m sure I share with plenty of you, college students or otherwise.

As you may remember, I recently started a new post series called “I Regretfully Regret” – which was supposed to be weekly, but cut me some slack. I’m a lazy college student, remember? This week, my Regretful Regret is cramming for a physics midterm and here is why:

  1. Physics is damn tough.
  2. What the hell is Bernoulli’s equation again?
  3. When did my handwriting get so bad?
  4. Crap, I can’t figure out half of what I wrote down for notes
  5. Is that a “t” or a “w”?
  6. Calculator… battery dead? Nooooooooo… Must scramble through a dozen and two drawers to find batteries.
  7. 1:43 a.m. – if I finish in half an hour, I’ll still get approximately 5 hours and 47 minutes of sleep
  8. 2 hour session of alternating among studying, YouTubing, and crying
  9. 4:12 a.m. – can still get 3 hours and something something minutes of sleep [oh no, my math skills have died]
  10. Inject emergency caffeine supply into arm. Head to class.

Stay in school, kids, and practice healthy study habits.

Yeah, right.

What is a recent Regretful Regret you have? If you’re a student, do you have any school-related regrets to share? (Don’t lie – we know you have plenty). Share them in the comments!

I Regretfully Regret: An Introduction

Remember that one time? Yeah, you know what I’m talkin’ about. That one time where you did the stuff that led to the thing with that one person – yep, the person with the hair and the teeth and the other distinguishing features? Dude, that was gnarly sick.

Introducing a new weekly segment called “I Regretfully Regret,” where yours truly divulges in one thing she regrets that week. Sounds exciting, eh? “Wait!” she says, flashing an OxiCleaned Billy Mays smile. “There’s more!” Move aside, Mr. Cockeyed ShamWow Guy.

This is going to be an experiment. Here on the wonderful world wide web, millions upon millions of people from all over the world are able to link in to their Internet-capable devices and explore and share in a mind-blowing plethora of information. The Internet is not an Information Highway; it’s an Information Orgy. If you’re reading this, you are a part of it. Giver, Receiver – it doesn’t matter what your role is. You are a part of it. And you should be proud. The mighty sophisticated Greeks and Romans of ancient times loved themselves a good orgy, so why shouldn’t you?

But I’m being misleading.

Let’s take all that sexually metaphorical language out and start anew.

Join me. Be the Clarice Starling to my Hannibal Lecter. I tell you something and you tell me something. Quid pro quo. [All right, admittedly not a much better parallel, but if you’ve read this far you’re probably a special brand of brilliantly weird yourself. High five.] 

But through this whole mess all I want is to create a spot where whoever stumbles across an “I Regretfully Regret” post can share with me – and everyone else who reads – something they regret. It can be as personal or as vague as you want – doesn’t matter.

Just share. Because sharing is caring and caring is… something nice with rainbows and chocolate or whatever.

You can post about it in the comments or you can send them to me. I swear I’m an honest-to-goodness honest and good person and am not trying to create some sort of blackmailing scam. No, don’t send me your full name and social security number – I ain’t promising you a million dollars from some Nigerian prince. Send me your Regretful Regret and I’ll post it here. Sound fun? Trust me, I’ll make it worth your time and effort.

As I said up top, this is an experiment and with any hope, it’ll evolve for the better.

Without further ado, here is my first Regretful Regret:

“I regretfully regret not being more social. Being a social moron sucks. Being an emotional moron sucks worse, but that’s a topic for another time. Friends – or people I have ignored and must now call ‘previous acquaintances’ – I’m sorry for being a moron and not adding a smiley at the end of my snarky texts. Sarcasm does not translate well in digital 2-D. I realize that now. I really didn’t mean it when I said ‘your mother’s a $2 whore.’ I’m sure your mother is a wonderful, wholesome woman with a respectable form of daytime income. Sorry.”

Don’t leave me hangin’ here. Add your own in the comments (or you can e-mail them to me at stressingoutcollege@gmail.com and I can share them so that you don’t directly have to). “I regretfully regret…”