Scene: Morning bus. Stopped at a transit station.
Players: NOVEMBER, SECURITY OFFICER, METH HEAD
Ready… and action.
SECURITY OFFICER: Bus fare! Everyone, get out your bus fare!
[Everyone scrambles for their wallets and lanyards.]
SECURITY OFFICER: Show me your bus fare please. Show me your bus fare please. Bus fare please. Bus fare… [People fumble around]
ME: [Of course, my wallet decides to magically envelope itself in my pocket.]
SECURITY OFFICER: Bus fare please.
ME: [Fumble. Twist. Pull. Push. Pull again. There we go- oh, no, pull to the left. Ok, there we go.]
[Note: When under pressure, time seems to stretch like Joan River’s botoxed face.]
SECURITY OFFICER: Bus fare, sir?
NOVEMBER: [Pulls out bus pass]
SECURITY OFFICER: [Squinting] That’s expired.
NOVEMBER: [“Duh” expression] No, it expires the end of November. [Lifts pass higher, as if the officer were bat blind]
SECURITY OFFICER: No, that expired November of last year, sir.
NOVEMBER: Huh? [Pulls pass back, scrutinizes it incomprehensibly. He looks like he’s tasting gym sock hors d’oeuvres.]
SECURITY OFFICER: I’ll have to ask you to get off the bus please.
NOVEMBER: [Walk of shame]
METH HEAD: [Mutters as SECURITY OFFICER leaves] [bleep]ing Nazis. They’re all [bleep]ing Nazis. God damn. [bleep] [bleepity bleep] What [bleep] .
[Maybe we should add another “bleep” for good measure.]
[The bus is now in motion again.]
METH HEAD: [Picks up cell phone. Doesn’t bother keeping his voice down.] Yeah, hey, what is up, man? Yeah these bus cops are [bleep]ing Nazis, man. I swear. It’s [bleep]ing ridiculous. Yeah? Oh [bleep], man. How much meth you take?
[Everyone around him is visibly uncomfortable. Avoiding eye contact at all costs.]
METH HEAD: 120 mg? I take 80 and I still get [bleep]ing high. I’m high everyday. I got the good stuff. I built up an “ee-mew-nity,” I take so much. The meth gets me so [bleep]ing high.
ME: [Dum-de-dum-de-dum, reading a book and minding my own business]
METH HEAD: [bleep] We got to get together. I got the really good stuff, man. Yeah. [bleep] Ah, hell yeah. No [bleep]ing way! [bleep] No [bleep] . Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. A’ight. I’ll see you in like an hour, man.
Do not insert joke of poor taste here
Moral of the story: Just say “no.”
Or if you say “yes,” be quiet about it.
And get your bus fare ready. People have places to go.
Stressing Out College 
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Thank goodness I only take a school bus!
Ah the days of riding school busses. At least the craziness there was more predictable!
Public transit = the best